Tired

I worry that she can't escape herself. Everyone should escape themselves: we are all awful people. I receive text messages late at night asking if I ever get tired of everything. Yes, I do. That's when I go to sleep. Get lost in dreams. Happy dreams, sad dreams, scary dreams, sexy dreams, super dreams, confused dreams. I could ramble about the necessity of following dreams, or just remembering them, the reasons we have them, superficial ramblings. They are important, and let's leave it.

I am a strong believer in the importance of deriving happiness from something, happiness wells, or if you will, happy little trees. I left my radio on Saturday, kept telling the alarm clock to keep trying long after I was stirring, to keep my roommate away. Near noon, a man was talking about brainwashing ourselves into positive habits. I heard John Tesh on M2's radio talk about similar things, but he misused the word habit, thinking it was any bad thing that you tend to do rather than a conditioned response. He used the example of misplacing the keys instead of placing the keys, which would be a habit unlike the prior. But I do not mean to talk about Tesh, I will add it to my list of grievances against M2 and continue with my story about the first radio-man. He spoke of the natural tendency to prefer whatever mental mindset is most comfortable, most familiar, even if not the most enjoyable. I see this is in many people, especially M2. I should not share with you the details of his heavy breathing, his hypochondria, and the general aura of discomfort he exudes. But know that I was quite satisfied this morning when he flumbled out of bed to scramble to the phone call telling him he was late for work, just an hour after his snoring had woken me. Which reminds me I need to remember to completely close my eyes when feigning sleep, so I can avoid the cliche comments like "Welcome to the land of the living" which he spouts at every opportunity, no doubt feeling clever for his utterance likely derived from some forgotten entertainments.

I, for one, with no intention of boasting, am doing quite well, in the fuller sense of the words. I have all the appropriate targets of animosity which I desire, which provide abundant malice for me to malign. A hatred set to simmer is my most comfortable mindset.I feel I am slightly behind in some of my schoolwork and have developed awful fall backs of morning math homework, but have resolved not to let this affect me negatively, although that is dependent of perspective and probably not the wisest decision, it is still mine to make. And in comparing myself to others (and do not pretend that you do not do the same) my luck is quite sufficient for my needs, and my ability to fling the most negative of truths, those that people don't wish to have noticed but are readily observed, have been of great use recently. I gave an impromptu lecture to some of my friends, which led to me being hailed a genius, on their failures with women. It did not matter that I could not recite their histories, I knew their patterns, their follies are intertwined with their beings, thus their histories were revealed. It is unfortunate that they did not believe themselves to be attractive men, because it is so easy to be attractive here. I maintain that the interbreeding has led to a net decrease in attractive individuals, and by no means am I asserting that I am a specimen of grand physical beauty, rather I perhaps feel that I am more true in myself that perhaps confidence in that revelation may lead to an aura of attraction. I will freely admit that it is entirely possible that the aura I just mentioned is a manifestation of some latent complex, but I will not apologize for it. The number of beautiful Mormons will decrease through the generations, and I foresee no decline in the trend. Of course, I am primarily referring to those Mormons of many generations, native to "Desseret". Missionary work will continue to bring new faces into the fold, which will be to some benefit, but how much will it affect the cacausian, and i suspect adamantly latent racist, population of the Jelly Belt? I theorize, and I am no theorist, that this trend, of which I seem more aware (or more diluted) than peers with which I have discussed, is because of the emphasis on spirituality in the culture when choosing a mate. I can draw no correlation between attractive people and spirituality, as I am not one of those involved, and whether it is inheritable or taught in the home, or some combination thereof. I am reminded of studies (whose credibility I can not verify in that they were on blog posts) that inferred that natural fearfulness was an inheritable genetic trait in mice, and a book I saw posted on boingboing.net that suggested that denial of reality was too. Could faithfulness follow such a trend as this?
A girl asked in biology class, where we are studying evolution currently, to confirm that evolution is just a "theory" and that there wasn't really any "proof". The professor, who I admire all the more for how he can walk on these eggshells, that he was showing us the, and forgive me for not having the accurate phrasing, "things they use as proof" and then launched into a subsequent discourse on how we could rationalize these things from a Creationist's point of view. I think all the overwhelming observable evidence may have been starting to get to her.


I must apologize for my writing style, I have been reading Walden, and I grow to hate Thoreau a little more each day. I struggle to decide just in what ways I hate him and what the most accurate and complete description this person would be, though I must admit, he can craft an elegant sentence. Perhaps it is that at times, the essays seem to be little more than his intellectual masturbation, but it was the most thrifty choice for a report. I regret that this reading may have influenced the above style. I must go prepare myself for the day now.