Also Featured: Home Lap Dancing Kit

This one is in the "gifts4men section"

Wait, you need a kit for that? And it costs $18.94?

Or a Spring Loaded Bowstaff

This is in the "gifts4women" section where you can also find rings covered in hair.

I attribute part of my blogging silence to my conversion to Digg. Feedburner showing me that my audience consists entirely of Googlebots didn't help and a few subtle changes to ScribeFire haven't helped either, but when the best things on the internet are presented so neatly, what more can I say? Anyways, this is about three clicks removed from Digg, through Gizmodo to which I also subscribe but missed. Anyways, the price seems quite reasonable for a discreet stripper pole, although I imagine shipping will be pricey. Fortunately, they have a deal:

The subtitle troubles me, but I'm not sure which part more so. Clearly this is a product intended for adults, but then they take it further and clarify that it is a fun product. The repetition of kit also seems gratuitous, but I imagine it may all be a clerical thing... to differentiate it from the freestyle blow jobs? But if this product interests you, don't let my trite observations dissuade you; it has a very complimentary review:

it used to be so messy and it was such a chore to clean up afterwards. but with the blow job kit we can do it all night long with no problem. - mattie, utah

Yay, Utah!

Legends Never Die

This has no need for a witty quip.

I made this post a few months ago where I briefly discussed a Kiss comic book I found at Barnes and Noble. Turns out there is also a webcomic. But if I'm recommending webcomics, I really must suggest Dr. McNinja as well.

How Do I

So I got bored again. I did a little homework, but not enough; it couldn't hold my attention. Also, I was worried about sounding jingoistic in a question comparing Venezuela and the United States economic systems. I'm not sure any comparison would be valid given the vast differences in resources, population, cultures, histories, my apathy...

So I started trolling Yahoo Answers again. Trolling in the wrong word, I've only asked one question as of this writing. I've found a few Answers I've really liked including this one and this one. And this made me...well, I'll just tell you the question and you can guess the answers given.

Does anyone else get turned on by the Avatar's?

I initially thought it might be regarding this or even this. But no, it wasn't. I checked the obvious rhetorical lyrics first, including "Can anybody find me somebody to love?" and "Is this the real life?" The latter question was posed some sixty times and I sought something more obscure. I found this gem on another site. And then I got an idea, but it was taken too! But it was totally worth it for this copy editor's dissection of the song.

In the mean time, I've grown a little tired of trying to be creative and will probably do something else for a while now. Although I still have a few ideas I might try later.

Who films that?

What the hell, people? Why are there over seven hundred videos onYouTube under the search terms "my phone is ringing"? I just wanted to watch/listen to this video. Although I now realize I had the wrong search terms, but that's not the point!

The Post That Refused to Die

If you still think zombies are funny you should imagine yourself wrapped in the cold embrace of a putrid ghoul about to devour your brains while your helpless family members look on in a hopeless agony.

Because today is Mother's Day, I spent an inordinate amount of time yesterday shopping for the perfect gift (3+ hours). This could be blamed, in part, on how she is difficult to shop for, but really, I just like to look at stuff. Perhaps I'm just a little naive or sheltered or whatever, but I am always amazed by the sheer diversity of consumer goods. Whoa, they make that? What is that for? Hey, look at that thing! No, that other thing! Oooh, that thing has numbers on it! I don't know why, but I find it highly enjoyable. Plus, I like to roll around on the smooth tile floors. I took some pictures of some of my favorite items for you, the reader! I'll upload these later with some snarky commentary.

I like shopping alone because I can go at my own leisurely pace and take all the detours I'd like without inconveniencing whomever with my impulsive erraticism. I also tend to wander off in stores and that can be a little awkward at times. But I don't really like attending events alone. In my experience events like the Faux Film Festival are enhanced by the presence of a peer. I can recall easily (perhaps painfully so) a time when I won tickets to the Dew Action Sports Tour for being a Glorious Bastard and could find absolutely no one* willing to take the second ticket. Although I try to spin this as a dislike of extreme sports coupled with the short notice I gave the invitation rather than evidence of some hidden and unsavory characteristic(s), I found myself in a similar situation last night (perhaps lending credibility to the later?). While I initially found this quite disturbing, it proved to be a boon as open seats were difficult to find, especially in the dark theater, a trouble which would have been multiplied by multiples (I was able to get an amazing seat during the BMX Park finals at AST because of this issue and a last minute seat at a Blue Man Group concert). I had also been very nervous as I don't usually hold up very well under tense situations or intensely dramatic moments (I stopped watching Desperate Housewives a few years ago to reduce my intrigue intake; also because my then-roommates thought it was too decadent for our sanctuary from sin or whatever). I'm both very jumpy and slightly ticklish; a poor combination (I'm using a lot of parenthetical remarks today) and it is my understanding that horror films are generally best viewed in the company of the fairer sex. So, yeah...

I've written a few times about my fascination with zombies, even writing a rather poor paper on the mythological nature of the undead for an English class (which received the comment "when will they rise???" on a peer review sheet). It is a morbid curiosity and, in actuality, I am rather terrified of zombies and what they represent. Terrified is the wrong word. If I were really concerned with apocalyptic preparedness, I'd have planned and prepared for a Stage 3 Outbreak by now (also probably the whole spirituality thing). Given my Mormon family's emphasis on food storage I think we could handle up to that point although we'd only have melee weapons at our disposal. I've pushed for a domestic firearm for disaster situations, but nothing yet. Maybe I'm more concerned about Z-day than I thought, or it's just a residual affect of scouting.

In any case, once I found out about Zompire, I had to go. Given that my prior experience with zombie film had been Shawn of the Dead, Fido, and the thirty second re-enactment, I wasn't sure what to expect. I know it should be more given how much I liked World War Z (a must read!) and everything, but I believe I've mentioned both the mild stigma I feel watching movies alone (supposing they can hold my attention long enough to finish) and that I'm kind of a huge baby, but not like that. I don't actively avoid watching movies alone, although it is always preferable with company, but I'm not sure I will ever be able to shake the image of my father watching Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants alone in his room when no one else would join him. It still strikes me as all sorts of weird (even after hearing him ask my mother if a certain pair of jeans "made his butt look fat") and remains a pinnacle of pitiful that sadly remains married to the thought of solo film delectation.

Anyways, I ended up going alone and I staved off my apprehension through compulsive text messaging. So-much-so that my mobile blog was flagged by a security feature meant to prevent blog spam and reduce server stress through use of a captcha, which I can't do from my phone. The timer has expired so I can once enjoy my mobile post masturbation (yay for text message post delivery confirmation!). Luckily, a majority of the short films were lighthearted, comedic, and even satirical. Did I mention weird? They were all weird. A couple were incredibly gripping, and most all were entertaining, though there were a few others which were trying hard to be something, with various levels of success. You can tell from some of the directors' comment on the festival's website how lofty a metaphor they think their zombies can stand, hobble, and moan for. Example:

Burying the Ex is a metaphor for a seemingly ever-present ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend and the baggage we must deal with when a relationship comes to an end. In Burying the Ex even the grave can't hold a jilted lover who's learned that their ex has found someone new...

That's not fair, because I kind of enjoyed that one (Danielle Harris is a very attractive woman) and it had the kid from Freaks and Geeks. These (figurative) zombies elicited more groans of horror than screams of fright, but that could not be said of the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead, which I enjoyed, but Oh God, why are they running? Oh God, they aren't supposed to be running! Make them stop! Ahhh! For the record, I never actually screamed and no one can prove otherwise. My only regret, besides arriving slightly late, was that I was not able to watch the entirety of Wasting Away (stupid public transit schedules!) and it will be difficult to procure.

Anyways, that is why I did not sleep well last night. Also, I didn't get home until 2 am and then Liane Hansen woke me up at the ungodly hour of 6 am.

*That I wanted to hang out with.

It's Never Schistosomiasis

I really feel that this image is entirely self-explanatory.

Oooh! ScribeFire has updated! Fancy! Maybe this will cure my blog-lag (unlikely).

Mondays have become the second best night of television, which makes my families attempts at Family Home Evening a little awkward. I mean, I know the Dr. House will solve the case at 42 minutes, but that doesn't make it less exciting (except on dvd). We were going to try to eat the durian I gave my brother for his birthday for tonights lesson, but Doctor House was on the case (also Big Bang Theory and How I Met Your Mother).

I really like this update. It is very nice. Except the text size buttons are backwards, but I'm getting distracted.

So, umm, there's this thing I do. I like to think it's quirky, but it's really more eccentric. I'll try to explain it without sounding bonkers:

When my little sister was little(r), she had some sort of intestinal parasite and we all had to take some sort of antibiotic or something to be sure that we hadn't caught it as well. I'm not really sure, it was a long time ago and all I really remember about what I've grown to call The Buttworms Incident was taking a large pill at bedtime and my mother describing seeing the worms wiggle in my sister's stools. Chilling.

I believe I've made other posts about parasites before, but these really freaked me out. To this day, I will still peer down to make sure my defecations aren't wriggling. Also color and consistency. I joke about that last part.Mostly. Anyways, it's always bothered me that I had no idea what this parasite was called. I have now come to believe that they are pinworms. Knowing is half the battle. The other half is defecating?

The Clothing Makes The Man

Although, I was really tempted to get this Green Lantern shirt.

The belt buckle debacle has gotten me thinking about the futility of life or something. What does it mean when a shoe commercial is correct? I am highly suspect of the study, and even more curious where I, an adultish male that wears the shoes of children, fit in this world of those who sneak and those who don't. Also, I can't help but wonder which sneakers the captains of industry are wearing with their suits.

"Casual, carefree, I don't take myself too seriously -- that's what I hope my shoes say about me," Kelley said.

Yeah, that's how I roll.

In any case, I've expressed interest in augmenting my vision with more utility. There are sunglasses with speakers, but they are prohibitively expensive. I had heard rumors of sunglasses with rear view mirrors, but I found nothing appropriate for everyday use. Perhaps I would have had more luck if I thought to search for more than mirror sunglasses. Thinking they might have something similar, or at least a name, I ventured to The Streets of Tanasbourne with a friend. They did not, although in fairness, we didn't really give The Sunglasses Hut a fair chance because they were obviously too cool for us. We were not too cool for Hot Topic and so we stepped in there for a moment. For a time, I felt really icky for owning a Snakes on a Plane shirt I purchased there whenever ago. For a niche retailer, they certainly cover a diverse set of interests. From Harry Potter trading cards and Halo 3 action figures to pink bustiers and Simpsons merch, I suppose a better question is what don't they try to sell? I imagine having merchandise at Hot Topic is one of the signs a band has sold out to some, when really, Hot Topic has just bought in.

Oh, and it turns out the sunglasses were here all along.

Look for Leo Trotsky: Superstar next year

I did very little today. I guess I added some people on FaceSpace, but I'm not sure that's an accomplishment, even during spring break. I woke up a little late and watched this show, Masterminds, which was pretty interesting. It chronicles heists and the like and how the masterminds behind them carried them out and eventually got caught, usually through no fault of their own but a random variable they could never have accounted for. I'd be more interested in seeing the guys who get away with it, but that's unrealistic.

Speaking of unrealistic things, I just got back from another night of the Faux Film Festival, which I mentioned before (shameless back referencing!). Aside from some weird weather, it was great once again. We arrived a little late and missed the first bit of Piggyback, which was amazing. The director was there for a Q&A (from which the title of this post is derived) after the shorts and I told him I liked his film and got a copy of the cards featured in the film. There were two shorts by group called Cleverscripts and even a few animated features, all enjoyable. Some of the most enjoyable, specifically one called Box Wars, I lack the search-fu to find, or they simply may not have a web presence. The interesting thing about Box Wars, id est suits and weapons made of cardboard, is that it is apparently very real, which makes its inclusion in the satire night all the more delicious. Some perhaps buried under other things with similar names (I wish I could refer people to you, Stalls, but your name is just too generic). I need to link to the homepage of Expendable, which was absolutely amazing, before I embed the video below and I don't know that the creator's of either On Poisoning Birds or Torsten Kretchzmar: I Know What Girls Like have websites, although you can view their videos on YouTube. One of the film festivals Expendable has been featured in uploaded it to YouTube (see below), although there are additional videos you should definitely check out.



Next was the movie Sexina: Popstar P.I. which was probably the campiest movie I've ever seen. I loved it. I really don't know what to say about it. I mean, it had Adam West in it and a plot that included robots, ninjas, and a bear--but not all at once, sadly. Now that I think about it, there was quite a bit a leather too. I got a piece of popcorn stuck in my teeth and that bothered me for like the whole second act. Still bothering me actually. Brb, floss.

You can read Steve's account of the evening here. Apparently, this blagonet thing is catching on.

I have occasionally thought to go to Hot Topic and purchase an outfit for the sole purpose of disguise.

I feel a little guilty about using this image, but it makes me laugh a little.

I'm weird. This must be disclosed before I address my topic, which seems a little weird to me. But I'm weird, so maybe this is normal? I don't know! Let me begin:

I don't really listen to music. The last CD I got was the soundtrack to Enchanted, and it was a gift, although I recently grabbed the title music to Team Fortress 2 off Pirate Bay. I was a total band geek in high school and into college. I listened exclusively to jazz with an almost hipster-like superiority complex. This was before I discovered the wonders of public and talk radio, of course. I was really into the Aquabats for a while too, but I think that had as much to do with the superhero persona they adopt as their chipper lyrics. I ventured briefly into worlds of rock in more forlorn periods (bawww!), but never so much as to integrate any sort of music into my identity or espouse any sort of cause or attitude. An exception could be argued for jazz in my case, but in my standing as white kid from the suburbs, I don't think anyone is going to accuse me of swinging. Certainly, not enough to dictate my style. But it's been a long time since I favored jazz and I don't actively dislike any sort of music, except when it is conveyed with an aura arrogance (but that is not the fault of the music but its patrons). Perhaps my musical background could be described as apathetic, a musical outsider.

This is what I find interesting. I find it a little hard to imagine, or rather to empathize, with either group, especially when they come to violence! It seems a little silly, especially when I had initially read the boingboing post about it. Perhaps it is become the subcultures I have participated in seem to revolve around happy times and jello. A perverse part of me secretly wishes to witness these events, if only for confirmation that such things exist, and I am loathe to admit this about myself. At the same time, I can't help but imagine the Sharks and the Jets a little in some sort of musical tumult. And It reminds me a little of this. But maybe it's not all bad and I'm probably missing the point; it's not really about fashion.

I remain somewhat glad that I have never experienced the auditory epiphany necessary to devote myself to a form a musical expression so fully. Maybe I'm missing out.

Swingin' Apes

No one reads this. Or at least, I imagine so. It will take a great deal of comments to dissuade me from this position. Part of me clings to this idea, of zero readership, to allow myself to remain frank and uncensored by a readership, although I rarely speak on personal issues as it is (this isn't a LiveJournal, or so I hope!). I am conflicted, however, as part of me desperately wants to be witty and not ever desire to spout garbage like oh, I wrote about that on my blog. Or I am so blogging this. I always imagine a short, hairy hipster saying such things, and I fancy myself no such thing, although I was briefly amazed at how hairy my arms are during my volcanology final today (which was lovely, thanks for asking!). I am also not very tall. Perhaps there is cause for concern. Alert me if I mention my blog in rl. I did that ironically, really. I should have said rly for greater affect. Or I could have gone with the srsly combo, but I dislike the word seriously fairly intently because of past exposure to Grey's Anatomy. Oh well. Did you know alert is an anagram of alter? It's true!

See? That's the sort of trumpery I just couldn't produce if I had an audience. They would be disgusted. I am a little disgusted as well. Perhaps that has something to do with this I found. It is a very long account of someone's experience in Borneo doing research on orangutans. I haven't read it all, but it is hosted on a university's website, so I assume it is credible. This isn't the first account of orangutan-on-woman sexual assault I've heard of, this one is referenced on the wikipedia article on animal sexuality, which also includes this gem:

"Masturbation is common in the animal kingdom ... We have a Darwinist mentality that all animals only have sex to procreate. But there are plenty of animals who will masturbate when they have nothing better to do. Masturbation has been observed among primates, deer, killer whales and penguins, and we're talking about both males and females. They rub themselves against stones and roots. Orangutans are especially inventive. They make dildos of wood and bark."

I'm no primatologist, but it seems like the bonobos still have a leg-up. I'll finish this up with the specific quote from this account of Borneo so you don't have to read the whole thing to get to the action:

When Mr. Scott and Mrs. Ann neared the camp, they saw an orangutan--Apollo Bob--who seemed to want to play. He wrestled with Mrs. Ann a bit and she thought it was innocent fun, until he grabbed her by both ankles and jerked her to the ground and started to mount her. Mr. Scott tried to pull him off, but orangutans are real strong. He said later it made him understand how horrible it must be to witness your wife or girl friend being raped and be able to do nothing about it. The struggle moved across about thirty feet of the trail, with Mr. Scott being able to do nothing but grab the back of Apollo Bob's neck and push his head toward the ground so he couldn't proceed. About then, Mrs. Anne (with an e at the end of her name) heard the ruckus from camp and came running, and, knowledgeable primatologist that she is, exploited the fact that humans are tool-using animals and orangutans for the most part are not, and grabbed a stick and chased Apollo Bob away.

At least I wasn't a rabbit, I guess.

You probably don't want to type monkey sex into the Google. Ever. Although I did find this image kind of funny.

eBay Date

Watch this item. It's gone up over $3k since I was told about it this afternoon and it still has a few weeks out. I wonder what other celebrity meets(?) this seller has arranged or whatever. The whole thing is weird, but proceeds go to charity.

Meet Scarlett Johansson! 2 Red Carpet Premiere Tickets - eBay (item 250221082811 end time Mar-12-08 20:00:00 PDT)

Death By Misadventure

We were talking in one of my classes about the fourth estate and the obligations of the news media. Some idiot was going on about how the media as a private enterprise owes the consumer nothing and should seek to maximize its own gains by whatever means necessary. It's not an invalid point in itself, but he was finding issue with the entire concept of the media as a watchdog for government activities. I had to put him in his place and explain that the fourth estate must be a private organization to avoid a conflict of interests that would come in reporting on the government if it were publicly funded. I mean, there are endowments and such, but they still require sponsors, pledge drives, and knickknacks. Perhaps I don't understand anything (very probable), but it ended the discussion and I'm pretty sure that means I won.

We then watched a movie about television journalism, which got me thinking about public suicides on television. If that happens, does the station air the suicide? I believe it is policy here in Portland to not report suicides on the local tv stations, although The Rick Emerson Show has no such scruples. If they air it, you can be fairly certain that it will end up on the tubes at some point. Christine Chubbuck isn't on youtube, although Budd Dwyer is, and Mr. Hands is out there somewhere I don't care to find. That last one finds its place on both the Unusual Deaths and the Horse Accidents lists on Wikipedia.


The Saxy Poet: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_deaths

The Saxy Poet: i don't know why, but i find this kind of fascinating

jedisteve101: that is some funny shit

The Saxy Poet: i don't know if it's funny, but it is interesting

Sexy Pirate Time

Local Katu News (on your side!) has a "Weird News" section. It immediately went into my RSS feed. I'm sure there are better portals for weird news, but I like the local angle a little bit. And pirates!

Seafair Pirates land spot in SI Swimsuit Issue | KATU.com - Portland, Oregon | Weird News

"The hardest part was keeping the pirates quiet the last few months," Jensen said of their desire to let everyone know that they'd been involved. But the pirates, along with everyone else involved in the production of the Swimsuit Edition, were sworn to secrecy.

Peanut Butter & Banana Creme

They do exist. But why did I see them in a vending machine 6 months after the limited release? They don't list it any more in the Reese's product line.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Peanut Butter & Banana Creme - layered cup with top chocolate layer, bottom banana creme layer and peanut butter filling; released in summer 2007 in tribute to Elvis Presley; available in standard, Big Cups and Miniatures sizes

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Prosthetic Dog Testicles

A man won an Ig Nobel Prize for this idea. I can't stop imagining this guy feeling up his dog's balls for comparison. He gets a wikipedia article for his trouble.

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Ivy League Nude Photos

I find this strange:

Ivy League nude posture photos - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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Valentines

If I wasn't so alone, I would totally get these. Hell, I'm tempted even with no one to give them too.

And this product gives me more questions than answers.

It's called as Spiderman Mold Candle. I don't know what that is, well, that apparently. It is a molded candle or a mold for a candle? I am intrigued because I love to play with candles. I wonder if it has spider scents...

Teen Superheroes team up with JFK

I'm hesitant to post this, as I kind of wish to purchase it for myself. It looks like pure, crazy comic goodness.



Teen Titans Lost Annual # 1 (New NM/M) - eBay (item 310013906696 end time Jan-20-08 06:07:23 PST)

Don't miss the TEEN TITANS LOST ANNUAL, featuring the original Teen Titans: Robin, Kid Flash, Wonder Girl, Speedy and Aqualad! Classic Teen Titans writer Bob Haney sends the Titans into space to rescue President John F. Kennedy in this story illustrated by Jay Stephens (The Land of Nod) & Mike Allred (Madman, X-Statix)! Meet new alien races, witness a startling betrayal, and more! It's a secret space adventure that couldn't be told...'til now!

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Post Mortem Photography

Someone sent me this link, supposedly because I'd enjoy it, or something. I find the concept fascinating: propping up still-borns, bending corpses before rigor mortis sets in for one last keepsake. It's no longer common practice, at least I don't imagine it is, making the photos that much more haunting imagining the circumstances that dictated the photographs. Of course post-mortem pictures are still taken, one of Anna Nicole Smith circulates the web, but for an entirely different purpose, the reason viewed the same as the one for which this flickr pool exists. On the brighter side, at least there was no difficulty getting the subjects to remain still for exposure time. Honestly, I couldn't finish the set, I stopped after this one, recoiling back, Dear God!



I apologize for the rambling nature of this post. I've got a bad case of the jibblies now.

Post Mortem Photography - a photoset on Flickr

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