Waffling in THREE dimensions.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

'If I bought an iPhone, would you love me?"

I haven't been sleeping well. Waking in the middle of the night, scrawling dreams into text messages.

I just bit my tongue sneezing. I hate sneezing!

I'm just bidding time until Albertson's opens, I think at 8. So I can buy more Mountain Dew. Lots of it.

I had a nightmare about transformers toys. Namely, that I couldn't get them. Pathetic. I do want to buy this more than ever before. Just because I dreamed I could no longer do so. I was going to reward myself with it for cleaning my room. But honestly, that'll never happen. Holy crap, look at the selection! Even Mr. Potatohead rolls out! They actually don't have the one I wanted, which is understandable since it was from Beast Wars and was special anniversary or whatever. No one cares. I suffer alone! Damn, dreams. That room will never be clean now.

And I wish I could say those were the worst dreams. Worse are those were I am accused of being too forward with a kiss on a cheek and she has curly hair. Dreams about cuddling ruin my day. The context is what kills me.

I've available for contact after 4, any actually plans will require a change of clothes on my part before I can do anything. More time if I want to look my best and have some time to eat, and I'm sluggish to do those. Of course, no one will ever take me up on the offer.

Lastly, this story I found vaguely entertaining, in my half sleep listening:NPR : Bald Eagles Viewed Differently in Alaska

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007


The fourth is coming up. I get the day off. I am looking forward to it. I have no plans for that day yet, so feel free to contact me and we can do something spectacular!

Furthermore, I was wondering if anyone might like to help me pick out/up some fireworks. I was thinking of making a day of it. Perhaps this weekend. I haven't made any plans yet and it'd be a great time to catch up. But whatever you want to do, that's fine too. I have books I can read. I'm glad I have weekends off. Avaliable anytime after 4 weekdays and you can call at 10 and 2 because of the wonderful labor laws that mandate I take a brief break at such times. Lemme know.


I could always be more selfish. It is the natural thing to do--- to look out for yourself. Is there something wrong with self-promotion, self-protection? Why should I choose to act unselfishly if they have no guarantee in advance that others in the world will not act selfishly? If I act selfish, could it be as simple as self-protection in a world where others do the same? I will cooperate for the benefit of a mutual group, but I will not go around joining random pick-up groups and accept blind invites. I want guarantees in a world where there is no such thing as altruism. It's a myth. I refuse to crucify myself. I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not.

So there. Got that off my chest. I'm not only selfish, I'm defensive.

Furthermore, levity always helps diffuse an awkward situation and is sometimes necessary. It builds character, in a way. I make no apologies, no regrets. If you are ever captured for leading a ragtag group of freedom fighters, or whatever your situation may be, I highly recommend the line "I HAVE NO REGRETS!!!" shouted full force. It'll really inspire the troops. Or whatever. It's cool.

Call me a jerk. I'm used to it.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

*And jump in a lake

I never really thought I deserved anyone. Thus, it would be easy to deserve better. In my mind's eye, I suck. People reinforce that, telling me that I am a meanie and jerk and whatnot. I have feelings. Jerks. Spectacular seems a distant destination. Incredulous!

I don't know what I'm saying. My family is going out for pizza, then a bookstore, and maybe even a pet store. I'm listening to Dr. John tell me he's going to go fishing*. I should pull out my horn tonight. I don't really feel like eating. Not really better. Ramble ramble ramble mess mess miss...

Maybe it's the weather...

But really, Papa's Pizza does suck.

Monday, June 25, 2007

An Answer:

I don't have one. I don't know why. I wanted to. But I guess I didn't. Fail. We never did fight that much. She must know by now that I don't hate her, but I'm not invincible either.

I almost spilled gasoline on my superior today. It was a colorful accident. I decapitated a snake. I felt bad. I think things will be OK. Yeah, I do.

One last thing: Imagine myself as Spider-man and Peter as Wolverine and you have our conversation on Sunday. They're talking about the death of the Cap'n, but it was a heartfelt moment of solidarity. It's great because the entire conversation took place in 'City of', since it's the only medium we really use to communicate. We're silly like that.


I forgot the arrow...


It shipped today. I am excited. They had a photographic watch at Big 5. Cost $300, so I declined. Also, some girl who got pregnant in high school who I had a class with sophomore year works there now. So, heads up. I don't think she recognized me, or cared. That's A-OK. Furthermore, they have many new and exciting items on Thinkgeek, including:

ThinkGeek :: Radio Shark 2

ThinkGeek :: LED Umbrella

ThinkGeek :: Micro R/C Storm Launcher

ThinkGeek :: Travel UV Toothbrush Sanitizer

ThinkGeek :: Video Watch with OLED Screen

ThinkGeek :: The Gadget Bag

ThinkGeek :: Mazu Kan: Two Player Invisible Fighting Game

ThinkGeek :: Buck Metro LED Knife

ThinkGeek :: The ThinkGeek Annoy-a-tron

ThinkGeek :: TWIT 4.0 Personal Area Network Fleece

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Sunday, June 24, 2007


I has pics.


Slightly less funny, but the same vein.

ThinkGeek :: IM In UR Blank

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Too funny to not mention.

ThinkGeek :: Do Not Want!

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The worst part about FreeCell is the lack of a proper Undo button. Every move is a risk. A dangerous gambit. A scuffle of cards. Why didn't I die? Go from row to row, which are still movable? The six can swap between those two sevens. There's no way out. Each move could be your last. But, I can't stop playing... And yes, a lose in FreeCell is a death. It's more intense that way if resignation destroys your killing spree and you have to respawn. I wish it had an Undo button instead of a restart.


She always was. Until I couldn't find her.


ADHD predominantly inattentive - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

Examples of observed symptoms

Children [1]

* Failing to pay close attention to details or making careless mistakes when doing schoolwork or other activities
* Trouble keeping attention focused during play or tasks
* Appearing not to listen when spoken to
* Failing to follow instructions or finish tasks
* Avoiding tasks that require a high amount of mental effort and organization, such as school projects
* Frequently losing items required to facilitate tasks or activities, such as school supplies
* Excessive distractibility
* Forgetfulness
* Procrastination, inability to begin an activity
* Difficulties completing household chores

Adults [2]

* Often making careless mistakes when having to work on uninteresting or difficult projects
* Often having difficulty keeping attention during work
* Often having difficulty concentrating on conversations
* Having trouble finishing projects that have already been started
* Often having difficulty organizing for the completion of tasks
* Avoiding or delaying in starting projects that require a lot of thought
* Often misplacing or having difficulty finding things at home or at work
* Avoiding or delaying in starting projects that require a lot of thought
* Often misplacing or having difficulty finding things at home or at work
* Often distracted by activity or noise
* Often having problems remembering appointments or obligations

Often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly.

Damn you, wiki!

Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia:

ADHD is a developmental disorder meaning that certain traits will be delayed in the ADHD individual. These traits will develop but just at a much slower rate than the average person. With ADHD it has been estimated that this lag could be as high as thirty to forty percent in the development of impulse control. Symptoms of ADHD are often seen by the time a child enters preschool. Those with ADHD typically have a greater degree of parent-child conflict and emotional reactivity. The incident of speech problems, central auditory processing difficulties, and coordination problems are all higher than that of the general population. A marked decrease in academic skills such as reading, spelling, or math is common with children who have ADHD.

During the elementary years an ADHD student will have more difficulties with work completion, productivity, planning, remembering things needed for school, and meeting deadlines. Oppositional and socially aggressive behaviour is seen in 40-70 percent of children at this age. Even ADHD kids with average to above average intelligence show "chronic and severe underachievement". Fully 46% of those with ADHD have been suspended and 11% expelled. Thirty seven percent of those with ADHD do not get a high school diploma even though many them will receive special education services.[42] These combined outcomes the expulsion and dropout rate indicate that almost half of all ADHD students never finish highschool.[43] Only five percent of those with ADHD will get a college degree compared to twenty seven percent of the general population. (US Census, 2003)

Social impairment for those with ADHD are seen at both school and work. They often have more troubled relationships with peers or family members. At the workplace they change jobs more often and are more likely to get fired. Their income level does not rise as quickly as their peers even when education level, IQ, and their neighborhood is accounted for. Thirty five percent of all ADHDers will be self employed in their mid-thirties. Those with ADHD are at greater risk of: injury, abnormal risk taking, smoking, having learning disabilities, other mental disorders, teen pregnancy, substance abuse, involvement with the criminal justice system, and having a poorer driving record.[44]

All blues

No, I wasn't. I didn't mean to. Really. It was never the game: it was the escape to a world where you could chose not to go on missions, not worry about what your family would think of you, and talk to friends. You always seemed so busy. I suppose it's too late to dissuade. I wanted to stay awake, I couldn't help that I was exhausted. I liked falling asleep on your lap while you played with my hair. I wish you would have said something. I was irrational. All day, in the sun, cutting grass, thinking about the future. What future did I have? I was not going back to a school where something was perpetually wrong with me. The only 20 year old male at Ricks. That'd be a fun role to play. It was depressing. I guess I took my frustration out on you. It was wrong of me. I thought I was trying, but I am a chronic underachiever. You didn't expect too much. It wasn't your fault. If I ever tried to be affectionate, you just wanted to hold my hand. The gas was just an excuse, I hated your dog. I like your family, with that exception. I didn't like being begged and/or violated. I wish I had had some friends to turn to, but I have to go to Paragon City to talk to them, and that's a problem. I failed. You're better off without me, but I am nothing without you. I've drug you down too long. Just be happy.

I really did want to go to the beach too. I mean that. Even on double experience weekend. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

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Did you know..

My right arm is dead. Arm rest, my ass!

My family turned on country music, for the folksy ambiance I suppose, as they prepare to leave. While I would usually object to such aural attack, it just seems so..I'm not going to protest it. I found some sympathetic, sadly. But I don't plan to make it a habit. They seem to have left it on though. I won't stand for that. Well, I will, because I'll have to if I want to turn it off. Then I will sit back down.

Last night I dimmed the lights and listened to songs full of sad things. That is the proper script, no?

Playing lots of FreeCell, also. Twenty-three games so far today. I watched my mom play it when I was little and could never figure it out. I could get maybe three cards up, eight if i was really lucky. I'd just dig to the aces with no strategy and dig to the next one if I could before I ran out of space to put them. There's a strategy to it. It wasn't until I watched my grandmother play it when I visited them in Germany that I realized this. I wasn't paid a great deal of attention while I was there; they were understandably busy. Unable to traverse, my chief diversions became practicing, listening to music while homesick, and playing FreeCell. I played at least 50 games while I was there. I win about half of them now, with my streak record being 9 wins. It's an intriguing game and my common goto when I want to turn off my brain. Something stood out to me when I was reading the Wikipedia article about it, you know, because I'm weird like that.

FreeCell is a solitaire card game superficially similar to Klondike. However, it is thought of as a game of skill and strategy, not luck. Although implementations vary, all hands in common software versions of FreeCell have been beaten except for Game #11982.[1], which has been proven to be unsolvable. This is in contrast to Klondike and other solitaire games where many hands are unwinnable even if the player's moves are flawless.
The thing about some games being unwinnable. I don't know. I was struck by the truth in the statement. Even if the player's moves are flawless.

Also, did you know that adultery is a Category 3 Moral Offense as classified by the United States Air Force? A Category 3 Moral Offense voids the eligibility of a recruit unless waived by a squadron commander. I'm not sure what would happen if you committed adultery after enlisting, but given the emphasis on character traits in this pdf I imagine it's taken quite seriously. I was trying to find out exactly what to do preparation-wise to qualify to enlist regarding my ADHD. I perused the army website, and I must say: it is produced much better than the Air Force's website, which is all annoyingly Flash-y. I suppose I'll have to talk to a recruiter to answer that question, although word of mouth tells me it's something in the range of six months abstained. Also to find out what bonuses there are for being an eagle scout and the college courses I've taken thus far, assuming I don't take more.
I never really looked into this option before because I knew Kirsten wouldn't be able to deal with it and wouldn't want to put her through any of it. The military is incredibly pro-family, but it can't ever remove the inherent occupational hazard of a soldier's life. And I don't think it'd be fair of me to drag someone through that. I have an uncle who's a career officer. His family's lived all over, relocating as necessary, which the military provides compensation for. But every few years, that's got to be rough on children being yanked up. When I visited them on that same Germany trip, they went to school on base, so they had peers in a similar situation. I'm glad I never moved as a child--the one time within the same school boundaries doesn't really count. I'm not that good at making new friends, or retaining them, I suppose. Hell, my family doesn't even like me that much; they liked Kirsten better. I am certain of this in a least one instance, of a possible five. I always had the feeling people tolerated me to have her around, with the aura of baked goods and pleasant agreeableness she brought. They referred to her as my better half, as the adage goes. Too often I think there was an literal implication in those words.

My mom wants me to take a Thursday night class with her at PCC. I may take her up on it. Those days just became wide open.

I also found this article interesting. Probably because of all the mentions of stress and breaking points. You don't need to read it, it won't be that interesting of a metaphor.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

God Damn III

So much for the satisfaction of the tramp being in jail. Buzzkills! What really pisses me off is the "free at last" part of the headline. Who the hell wrote that headline? It'd a stretch even if she had served her full sentence. Too irate to elaborate..

Paris Hilton to go free at last on Tuesday - Celebrity News - MSNBC.com

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The Onion


I should probably get new sunglasses too, but...what does it matter..

Big 5 Sporting Goods - Weekly Ad Specials

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I guess I feel a little better now that I've vented into the 'tubes. Not great; how often do I really feel great? I can't remember. Though I realize I certainly left a lot out. I mean, I don't know what I mean. There's many things that were not written that could have been, but should they have been? I didn't and I don't want to second judge myself on this because I am feeling a little better. It was not meant to be a chronicle of events, I just wanted to feel better. I guess I'm free to follow some of my more eccentric pursuits without condemnation (vocal, that is). The following link is one such. Unfortunately, Big Five is having a sale, which while wonderful, they do not stock my size and will be forced to follow other routes to obtain such gems. Although, given my follow-through, I'll probably just watch the rainbow instead. Eh..They had remote control watches for $20. I already have one, but I figure it might make a good gift someday or something. People are always asking me where I got mine. I'll have to get dressed first and.. ugh.. not so much better..

Heelys - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

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Can I Borrow a Feeling?

I've been feeling pretty lousy for a while now, but things have lately become substantially worse. Sometimes writing helps; I appeal to the great group therapy now: Internet, heal my wounds!

I didn't sleep well last night, violating the current pattern of fall into bed and hope Morpheus catches you before you stumble into Erebus. I've been oscillating through apathy and agony since about 7pm Friday, when my girlfriend decided it was over.

We've..We'd been together somewhere between four and five years depending on how you count. I never cared too, if she did, she never said anything. Thankfully, I suppose. Seems like a long time, perhaps too long, seems strange. Bothersome? I lack the eloquence to describe the tinge of malaise the timetable gives me, but if you were here I would wiggle one hand a little and press the other to my stomach and make a slight groan. I could only hope you might infer the discomfort time gives me and, you see, my stomach hurts and I have no appetite. I've never possessed an accurate mental chronometer, I confess. It seems surreal.

I've never understood timing either. I always felt myself a poor musician for it. I faked my way through it, more than I should admit, but I am hardly of a sober mind as of late. The timing now, I don't really understand. The events pressed on myself, constantly I felt it slipping from me, but I had not expected it so soon. I suppose I should have; I consider myself a fool now for it. Though my bereavement shall wither with time, this evidence shall persist with me. Indeed, I am a fool. I take solace in knowing I shall not be the last fool or even the greatest, I can hope no greater evidence confronts me with this fact. The fool in me, desired to remain in some simpleton's bliss through the summer. 'One last happy season,' it cried. What more can I lose than my beloved? Only my dignity, and I am writing into the 'tubes. Please, pass the eyeliner, I've some tight pants to match!

I grow sickened with myself. I dare not presume isolation in that.

After all, this was a premeditated action. She was the brooding type, a passive bottler, and I, an infant! She would have weighed every option, probably taking her obligations into account: to her family, friends, herself (in that order). Where I fell, I am no longer certain. I imagine as a mercy-killing. Better now than later. Surrender the facade! Unfortunate..

On Monday, in my dejection I asked her, in response to a text message which stated her obligations to "play mom" for her family, when (if) it would be for her to play girlfriend. This was an unacceptable request! She demanded greater leniency or discontinuation. I replied with an ambiguous "ok". I imagine now that was the demon seed that led to my present squalor. In clarification I proposed some sort of "friends with benefits" option, which was my attempt at saying we should let things slide for a bit. Not so much emphasis on getting together as much and whatnot. I just wanted to ease the tension, take some pressure off. Apparently, not enough. The tension extended into the next year, as she perceived it. Let the lesson live: stopgap saves nothing!

We won't be going back to BYU-I. I won't be going back to BYU-I. She will be. I don't remember her being happy there at all, but I had the beer-goggles of dysphoria distorting my perception. Could I have been dragging her down? She's no longer interested in me now, could the principle have been so different then? I don't know. I can easily imagine her settling in there again, content with her favorite roommate. In this twisted specter, I imagine her roommate needing a double-date partner, and recruiting a reluctant Kirsten to accompany her, who then finds her date to be none other than my former roommate. With myself removed as any limitation, they resume their friendly demeanor and become more..The story ends with her feigning faith for a husband but inhibited by crippling allergies to perfume preventing patronage, or perhaps a conversion? Do these strands seem strange, scrambled even? It is not without some sort of silly substance! Though my mind runs rampant, many former friends call her instead of myself. She has a higher retention on my friends than I ever have ever, it sometimes seems, with less strain than it takes myself to obtain them. Do I dare weigh this evidence as authentication of her abusive assertions that I am of a putrid personality? I am no soothsayer, but my parents failed adolescences in similar circumstances do not sit well with me. I suppose there is solace in the thought that separated from her, I am free from the blue-collar entrapment a child could bring, as it befell my father in his second semester at that same college. It makes me shudder at times. I can take relative comfort in the shortage of soldiers may potentially provide some refuge in the future, should times call for it. I do not know...

I couldn't do it. I can't do it. Not again. The cognitive dissonance shreds my soul. I cannot reconcile myself with the religion and attend the school of such. Two years are too much. I need to transfer to another school, but I do not know where I should attend or what I should study and am hesitant with such a pricey investment. So, where do I go from here?

I suppose I first need to find a new person to hang out with...

God Damn, too.

And no one can tell me I don't have a right to be upset! I do! So there! Exclaimation mark! Exclamation mark spelled correctly! It's aggressive actions I don't have a right to. You're welcome to try to stop those. I don't plan to reach that point but then again, like so many people remind me, I am a horrible person. I forget, if I did something horrible, would that be a self fulfilling prophecy or not? Who cares; I'm pissed!

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God Damn.

I'm upset right now. And that just makes me more upset!

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Too cool to not mention

Courtesy of Table of Malcontents. This man is my new hero.

Dr. MegaVolt: Man Meets Lighting

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The Office Game

I've no one especially to share this with, so Internets it is! Internets is the winner! But then we had some growing up to do. I am looking forward to this. We all need things to look forward to. I find my boss very much like Micheal Scott. He wants everyone to like him and is somewhat incompetent. If this were my career, I'd have to throw myself in front of a train. Kinda how I feel right now.

NPR : 'The Office' TV Series Becomes Video Game

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

Round 2

Wait, sounds like it's started back up again. Unfortunately, in a room too far to here. It's ok. I just got a team in CoH. Oh, me..

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They both seem to want a clean house. Too bad they can't form some sort of coalition for cleanliness. Amanda resigned to her room. I think my mom won. We'll find out in a post-fight confidence. They both made some good points. A good time was had by all!

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Oh noes! My sister is trying to use me as a talking point! It failed!

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The issue

The key issues seem to be that my sister is a dumbass and my mother neurotic. More to come!

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Oh gosh!

I haven't written lately, because who cares? It's summer and I'd rather use my available time for recreation (House of DVD whoo!). I'm working at a job which gives me plenty of time to think and an idiot boss. Right now I'm listening to my sister and mother fight about themselves. It's a tired argument. I think they're making real progress. I'm killing time here, waiting to see if something interesting will come up in City of Heroes and their fighting is distracting. Maybe more later.

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Friday, June 08, 2007

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

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