Waffling in THREE dimensions.

Monday, December 31, 2007


I just got back from the dentist.

I hate the dentist.

I also hate the Dennis Miller Show, but it directly precedes The Rick Emerson Show.

I like that my dentist appointment only took about half an hour. That is probably my favorite part of visiting the dentist. Half an hour twice a year, or a total one hour a year. It's not too bad when you think about it that way. Also when it's in the morning and you only have brush your teeth and hop in the car.

I hate the music they play in the background. Today it was some easy listening station, KISN? I have no idea. They started playing "That Don't Impress Me Much" and they hygienist started humming along. That song came out in '99. Last century. I still knew all the words.
You can't hear the music when they have the tools in your mouth. That bothers me. Also the tools in my mouth, I don't care for that. It's not a matter of comfort, but it feels far to vulnerable to me, and I keep thinking "THIS IS NOT NATURAL" and wanting to die a natural death at age 50 like an elephant. Elephants are cool. My father tried to teach me the importance of proper dental hygiene using the elephant. You see, the elephant dies of starvation when they lose their last set of molars. If they could brush their teeth, they would live much longer, my dad explained. Unfortunately this metaphor did not have the desired effect. Nature intended us to die when we lose our teeth. Dentistry, I concluded, is contrary to God's Will.

The discomfort of the dentist visit is compounded by my age. The main dentist, he has a sidekick now, is Mormon, as are the majority of the hygienists, and similarly, the patients. I went to the receptionist's son's missionary farewell last year. Being 21, having not served a mission, makes this a little awkward. Just a bit.
A few years ago I was assigned to some church committee to plan stake youth activities. I never really did much and honestly, I probably wouldn't have gone to more than one of the meetings if there wasn't this amazingly beautiful girl also on the committee. I saw her today, dressed in the same scrubs as the hygienists. I looked horrible, as I always do before noon, even more so than usual because I got so little sleep last night. I maintained my composure. I will fade from her short term memory as an unkempt man in pajamas pants and a gray hat. My hat kicks ass.

I think I will get a hair cut today.

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